How I came to Study Stoicism

As I have grown older, I gradually came to realize that my career & personal life were not going to be the stuff of my original expectations.  I had made a series of choices and decisions, almost all of them for good reasons; that led me to where I was and that was that.   Yes, I could change anything or even everything, if I really wanted to, but in the end that would only result in a new or different set of problems, compromises or sources of dissatisfaction. Ultimately, I knew that I needed to change the automatic and apparently default monologue in my head that constantly said "if only..." or " I should have...".  But how was this to be done? I had heard many times, but was only beginning to accept, that the key to happiness is to find satisfaction in what I've got. 

Here I sat for some time, because defining a problem and solving it are two completely different things. As we all know, changing our patterns of thought is really hard work. This is true, even when we genuinely want to change. I had absolutely no idea how to turn this realization into something actionable. 

I literally began searching on the internet for "how to be happy with what you have".  The results were a  mixture of numbered lists, tips and so-called "hacks" on how to be happy. But, as I worked around the topic of happiness in general, two approaches emerged as most compelling to me --- Buddhism & Stoicism.  Interestingly, founded roughly at the same time, many of their insights are essentially the same. 

I must admit, I was leery of Buddhism. My prejudice was that Buddhism was adopted by "new agey" freaks living in California that believe in numerology and astrology. But, I was determined to explore. After some more internet research and reading, I decided that Buddhism was not for me.  Buddhism's elusive  search for a difficult to conceive enlightenment turned me off. Also, in my heart,  I am not sure all Four of the Noble Truths are really true. While clearly many people do suffer in life, I do not want to repeat to myself on a regular basis that life is suffering.

In the end, I turned to Stoicism, although still elusive in many ways, I find it provides understandable insights that work for me in the here and now. I began to feel that, at least, I was moving in the right direction from the start. 

I went back to a copy of "The Meditations" that I already had on my bookshelf.  I originally read it after seeing Marcus Aurelius as a character in the movie "The Gladiator".  At the time, I read it only to satisfy the curiosity stirred by the movie.  I did not really understand that the late Emperor was writing within the much broader context of the Stoic philosophy. This time, my reading was different. I had learned enough to know that Marcus Aurelius was writing solely for his own benefit and was working within a philosophy that already had a long history by his time. 

Since then I have explored Stoicism even further.  I took a guided self-study class through the Stoic College of Philosohy associated with the New Stoa's website that I mentioned in my first post. I am now in the 3rd term of the Marcus Aurelius School which is a more advanced and longer course of study. 

Stoicism provides a framework against which I can compare my thoughts. It gives me a tool to pause the default "if only ..." monologue in my head and in that space I remember to say "No, I have a choice to make. I must decide if this is really bad, or is it just my thinking that tells me so". I find the dichotomy of control (i.e. what is mine to control without any possibility of hindrance & what is not) one of the most obvious and yet important realities of our lives. 

I also think that it is something that I can lose sight of rather easily, if I am not consciously reminding myself. After all, every bit of sensory information I receive tells me that I am located at the very center of existence.  As near as I can tell, all the rest of the universe extends outward from where I sit right now as I am typing these words. Therefore, is it not right that everyone else in the world, should so order their lives and actions to take my wishes into account? Of course, this is absurd, but at some level most of us live our lives with this expectation as the very subtext of our existence.